Tomorrow when you walk into the gym you will notice many unfamiliar faces full of optimism with their New Year resolution to get in shape. Several weeks from now when you walk in the gym many of those faces will unfortunately have gone.
We all set goals that we don’t reach. During the past several years my doctor recommended that I keep a journal to help determine some of the factors that have been contributing to my constant migraines. The journal has however evolved into something more that hopefully is going to be something my kids are going to want to read some day. Just maybe it will help them understand what I was trying to teach them, trying to become, and wanting them to become.
As you read my story, I hope it will inspire you to start a journal for your children or at the very least take the time to sit down with them and tell them who are you, what you believe it, and what you want for them.
For the past twenty five years or so I have taken the week between Christmas and New Years to reflect on what I had accomplished in the past year and what I wanted to accomplish in the coming year. I then spent some time writing down a dozen or so defined goals for both my professional and personal life. It was important that the goals were in writing because I still believe that you must review them often to achieve them. More importantly it was critical that I shared my written goals with others. Since it was often critical that others reached their goals for me to reach mine.
Over the years I did remarkably well at succeeding or surpassing my goals. Sometimes I wondered if I was being too easy on myself but when I did measure myself against my industry I always considered a top producer.
About halfway through my career my body started to sending me little signs that it was not happy with me and the long hours and demands I had been putting on myself. My grandmother being part American Indian had told me often as a child “if you lay down you will die.” So, I would regularly continue to work even when I did not feel good. I can recall staying with my Great Aunt Dorothy and getting a fish hook stuck in my finger. When I pulled it out she said “Ah, you’re okay, there is no bone showing. Just let the dog lick it and let’s get back to fishing.” Being a hard worker had become my identity refusing to stop was just part of my work week.
So I continued with my career but my body started to rebel, I began to journal when my migraines became even more frequent at the recommendation of a doctor. The purpose was to help the doctor determine if I was having “triggers” such as food, environment, or even stress. After the diagnosis of Chronic Lyme I continued to journal to help me understand all the meds, treatments, and different doctors I had seen. In the beginning I was having a lot of guilt for letting my family, my wife, and my company down since I was no longer a top performer and was not even there most of the time. Actually when I was there, I really was not, since I was often either in pain or sedated with some type of medication. I recall on time that I was sitting in the dark wishing I had a brain cancer just so the doctors could say we can operate and fix it or that it would be soon over. Don’t get me wrong it was not that I wanted my life to be over I just wanted to stop hurting all the people I so loved. So, after that I realized when someone told me about a man that was sitting in a hospital, looking out a window, and his wish was that all he had was Lyme and chronic Migraines. You see the doctors had told him to say goodbye to his family since he was not going to live out the day. After hearing that story I was determined not to feel sorry for myself again.
My daughter is now in sixth grade, her entire life she has known me only as a migraine suffer. Her teacher had asked the entire class to write down on a piece of paper if they had one wish what they would want. You know the answers most kids wrote. My daughter wrote. “I wish dad did not have headaches.” When I heard that, I knew I could not any longer feel sorry for myself when I am so blessed to have someone spend their one wish on me.
I am still journaling today, but now I try to journal so it is more like I am talking to my two kids Jesse and Hope. This is my journal entry for the year end.
Dec 31th, 2008
Tuesday, the weather is warm for December and Hope you are in Topeka going to the zoo with Grandma for the tenth-thousand times which will be one of your favorite memories of your grandmother. We talked about this the other day how when you come home from grandma and grandpa’s the way your pillow smells like there house. It is a good smell…isn’t it? I don’t know why but whatever grandma makes, even toast always seems to taste better than if you made it yourself.
Jesse you’re becoming a young man. You have a girl friend now. Be patient, I know you will make good decision, treat her with respect. It is an amazing time in your life…savors it.
You’re starting to learn to drive, remember even though it seems like you are invincible. Please remember a car can and will kill you if you don’t respect it. Yes, I almost forgot DON’T do drugs!
Finally, I will always be there. I am not expecting you to NOT have your moments of foolishness, but if since you have my DNA, you more than likely will, and when you do, don’t be afraid to call. I want you to know MOM and I will be there, no questions, no lecture, just be there. That goes for you too HOPE.
Since you both tell me “I know, Dad. I know Dad” many times throughout the day, I’m guessing it is because you already have heard me say these things before. Indulge me, and hear them again.
The best meals are home cooked meals at the kitchen table. Remember this before you start a fight, when there is a fight, both parties loose. Never question your mother, she is always right. When you take on a task let it be known that you gave it your all…holding nothing back. Be respectful and descent to everyone. Be safe, no parent ever should have to see their kids hurt or worse. Laugh at yourself. Watch out for each other you will know each other longer than anyone else on this earth. When you are alone and get those goose bumps on your arm don’t be afraid. It is only the guardian angel’s I have told you about don’t piss them off though they will save you many times throughout your life if you listen to them. Don’t wait tell tomorrow to see your family. When you think you’re going to quit, don’t, you can and you will. Go see your Grandparents. Don’t be afraid to try new foods-remember what I have told you. “It cannot kill you it can only make you sick.” After you have settled down, I hope you are lucky enough to have the unconditional love of a dog before you have children. Look out for Aunt Sue she is getting crazier as she ages. When you shake a person’s hand, look them in the eye, grab their hand first, firmly, and shake. Always, keep your word. Aunt Sue, don’t let her start a naked winter bowling league. Always do what is right even if it is not easy. Never let anyone hurt anyone. Be honest and truthful. Try something that your think you’re going to fail at. Taking risk is good. Travel often. Be a person of honor. Do something that makes you happy, the money will come when people see that your enjoy it.
When you jump, close your eyes, cover up your private parts, and jump with both feet. Ignore stupid rude people; if you don’t then they will bring you down to their level. Make sure your life is full of quality and not full of quantity. If you’re going to make a foolish mistake, make it when you are young. Watch out for your neighbors. Never stop learning new things. Make sure you have your friends back. If someone doesn’t like your home—throw their ASS out! First loves fade but never go away. True Love is forever; look at your mother and me. She is more than I could have ever hoped or wished for. She is certainly more than I ever deserved. Live below your means.
Jesse your eyes smile and they tell all your truest feelings. You were given a kind, old soul, and it has given you a passion inside you that will take you far in life. Share it with those you care about and do whatever will make you happy in life. You have many skills, warrior, lover, and comedian, the warrior in you; if let you use it carefully will let you become anything that you choose to become. The comedian will keep you from going crazy. Those you chose to share your heart with will truly be blessed since it is something you will only show to a few.
Hope, you have not only been my “happy” thought but given the gift of being everyone’s “happy thought.” Just by walking into a room your simple presence can make people smile and feel good. Thrown in your laughter, smile and the bluest of eyes and the package are complete. Those that don’t know you will soon be surprised by your passion, intelligence and determination. You also possess the creativity of great artist as well as have the heart of a caretaker. Your life and thirst for knowledge and adventure will take you many places where you will share your happiness. Your mother and I thought we named you “Hope” but I believe that GOD already had your name picked before you were born.
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